i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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