I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
