Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
