naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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