and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
