My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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