tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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