Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
