How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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