There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
