i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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