i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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