I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
