I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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