I am midnight drunk by noon
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
