Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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