I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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