Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
