I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
