Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
