apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
