I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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