3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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