remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
