I am spending my child support on dildos
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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