i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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