i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
