Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
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He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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