If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
