A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
