He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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