The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
