I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
