someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
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I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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