New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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