My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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