You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
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can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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