So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
