just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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