i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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