Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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