a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
