I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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