im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
