you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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