When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
