oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cat gives me a boner
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
