I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
