Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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