How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
