Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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