We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
my liver is dry heaving
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
