And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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